I feel terrible.
By what right do I have a blog?
I'm not Orthoagnostipraxatheist, not flexicompulsiguiltidox, not multiposttransnonmetadenominational.
I don't live a double or split or bifurcated life in any sense.
I feel so inadequate.
I guess it's this. First of all, I'm attracted to the authenticity of the people in the blogospere. The authenticity enabled by the anonymity is a God-send. My preference is to converse with 'real people', not projected images of the agglomeration of expectations and demands which are the reality of the 'outer' world.
More than the attraction, I feel that I have to hide much of what I've become from 'public consumption'. Not that I think it's dangerous, but because it's different. I'm very, very dissatisfied with the conventional 'metaphysics' of the 'frum' community.
I don't hide it well in 'real life'. Those who know me know that I don't hold it back - my bigger problem is that i sometimes get carried away.
But it's hard to find people who aren't busy looking over their shoulders, but who still are open and care enough to discuss. I thought that this community, the community of Jewish bloggers, would be different.
I hope I'm right.
But there are signs of disappointment. Here's the issue:
Most of us self-define in political categories; a quick survey of the j-blogs will show that there are still many political tags out there. atheists. chasidim. orthodox. ultra-orthodox. modern orthodox. orthoprax. and the list goes on and on...
As if there are a limited number of paths to God and the one I choose is determined primarily by synagogue affiliation. No two Jews are the same. No two shuls are the same. Denominational affiliation is a political necessity; no one can be alone. But can't we recognize it as being just that and no more?
it's like democrat or republican - not proscriptive, yet convenient to transform individual power into group power.
there's no need to vote the party line.
ideally, everyone would be their own 'poseik' - understanding how to apply the Torah to their own life and circumstances. alas, it can't happen. man is a political creature.
but at least we can try to transcend the political reality here on the web. we can try to understand and discuss and arrive at perspectives that make is feel whole, at least on the inside, and hopefully, eventually, on the outside as well.