Uncle Moishy’s Last Recording

(This could have been much better if I had the equipment to make it a podcast; alas, this is a low-budget affair)
The Scene: Uncle Moishy’s recording studio, Shabbos Parshas Shoftim, 5767
The Event: Uncle Moishy and his Mitzvah Men record a new song, encouraging observance of the mitzvah of ‘al pi ha-Torah asher yorucha’ as it is understood by today’s chareidi world, against the majority, and possible unanimity, of Rishonim. The song is set to the tune of ‘yamim al yemei melech tosif’:

Producer: Hit it, Moish.
Music begins.
UM (singing):

(Low):
Every Jew should obey a gadol
In order to be a Mitzvah Man
He knows what best for your neshama
Even when you don’t undersand

(High):
‘al pi ha-Torah asher yorucha’
You must heed their ev’ry single word
‘lo sasur yamin u-smol’
No matter if it sounds absurd

(Ringing sound interrupts)
Producer: Moish – cut. Hey, Moish. It’s for you. It’s Rav Elyashiv.
UM (we only hear his side of the conversation):

“Yes?

“Aleichem Shalom. What can I do for the Rav, shlit”a?

“Yes. I heard something about it. I think it’s about time.

“Perhaps the Rav has never heard of me? Well (with annoying inflective flourish) let me introduce myself. I’m the famous Uncle Moishy, and me and my Mitzvah Men travel all around the world, teaching Jewish boys and girls all about Torah and Mitzvos.

“Aha. I understand. Well, I could make it ‘teaching Jewish boys or girls all about Torah and Mitzvos.

“Yes, I know what ‘lo plug’ means. I was working on a song about it to teach the kinderlach not to shake hands with people of the opposite gender.

“But, with all due respect (in pleading voice which retains its annoying over-emphasized, over-inflective baritone), Rebbi, this is my parnassah. I have no other qualifications. I was just some mediocre yeshiva bachur who started entertaining the kids in the bungalows by pasting a big paper ‘mem’ on my hat, making an iron-on T-shirt that says ‘Mitzvah Man’ and singing lousy songs. Then the kids discovered Monticello so I took my show on the road. Please, Rebbi, this is everything I have, everything I am.

“The tapes and CDs make bupkus. It’s all about public appearances in this business. All of the kinderlach will end up listening to Barney, or Raffi, or rachmonon litzlon, Counrty Yossie.

“He can still do it because he’s just some MO balabus with too much free time. For me, it’s parnossah and avodas ha-Kodesh

“Yes. I understand. I just…

“I understand.”

UM (wipes away a tear, begins to sing, slowly, with much flourish and feeling):
Give a little tzedakah
Give a little tzedakah
Give some, remember don’t be greedy
(bum-bum-bum)
Give a little tzedakah
Give a little tzedakah
Give some, to good ol’ Uncle Moishy